may 18 2025: an online stranger's audhdid has no bearing on you whatsoever. on tumblr and tiktok people are very quick to share this information when it's effectively your medical record. it only feeds a norm of making assumptions about what people have experienced based on the surface level presentation. "neurotypical" isnt the default, however, it's not always a good thing to publicize the ways in which you're different. neurodivergencies effect people in a broad spectrum of ways. sharing ones medical record out of context like that is very new and tbh worries my autistic ass.

may 18 2025: For a couple years, I avoided tiktok like the plague. I still don't want to use it, if it can be avoided (turns out, it can, very simply!) Starting at age 5, I spent as much time in as many digital spaces as I could. I eventually grew up to believe that the less time online, the better. It's a good idea, but I've been robbing myself of creative and communicative mediums all along. I'm happy that I rerouted my focus to exploring what lies off the 'net, and real life will always be my focus... that said, no need to hold myself back from creation. Information, interviews, just filmmaking or audio-storytelling.. whatever I am in the mood for.

I want to criticize the idea of the relapse, moreso the language of not being “clean” anymore. what that phrase came from was drug users, who have a goal of quitting, trying to come up "clean" when the time came to be tested for their substances. engaging with the violent response to emotions is obviously harmful, it's... the definition of harm. learning to be nonviolent has nothing to do with “purity” or whatever and acting that way does the very same damage as organized religion- just on a smaller scale. emotions make people do things that are not necessary solutions to problems. if it helps you to keep track and view it as a game, that's great. but when it comes to self harm, that language of whether you're "clean" or not just... is clearly based in shame, because, again, it's not the same as the chemical testing that other addiction recoveries often involve, since you and your providers are the ones in charge. i'm not saying the language is harmful on its own, but we must be aware of the source of our shame relating to mental health symptoms and how that shame impacts us- where it even came from to begin with.

may 2 2025: "Every thing" is always still unfolding and developing, no matter which ideas return or appear to stagnate over time. Those rare trends which do occur, don't need to be framed as defining features- whether they are "good" or even "bad". Life is impermanent, and our awareness of that is a sliding scale. I can’t believe that all of my life has been contained within 19 years. "19 already?", and yet, "only 19?"...

april 28 2025: i love to exist in motion, even off-beat. if you’re upset, it’s not gonna be helped by a fear of being corny. I've come to realize the truth in “dance like nobody’s watching”... not just as a metaphor. I think moving to music on your own with no attempt or expectation to be beautiful or whatever can make for great stress relief. sometimes you need to move your body in weird ways you arent really thinking about, but which are in some way congruent with sensory input… am i just being autistic here? stimming is good for you, people. like just let it happen fuck. magic is within not caring enough to even imagine how you might be observed; being in a space with other people is helpful because people might be watching and you have to not give a fuck, just groove, and that reflects the state of all of life. still a chance to intertwine as art if you’re compelled to purposefully sync with the music.

april 23 2025: "is cruelty natural?" territoriality, division, runs as deep as the boundaries of non permeable cell walls but the extent to which it's been pushed is horrific. we know better as humans, we strive to unite and build and rebuild whatever we possibly can. what CAN we learn from other animals? adaptivity is key. with great pain and struggle; most animals don't live very well due to capitalism ruining everything. but many species have survived and there is potential to rebuild an environment in which they thrive. change is possible. our societal structures can also evolve- or go extinct entirely... when dedicated action is taken.

march 30 2025: I miss my old workplace. but when I moved and consequently had to quit, I went from “psychotic-episode-inducing stress” to… the happiest ive felt in a long time, learning more day by day and remaining the most stable mentally relative to circumstance… it was a selfish choice but they were happy for me getting out of that place and I am as well. they aren’t fucked over because I’m not there, I just miss being able to help out in that place. there was a lot going on in my social and family life at the time but I had a very pleasant experience of employment there. actually ethical company, managers with good intentions and a respectful caring attitude regarding the people they hire… im sad as fuck in truth because even if there’s another place like it there will never be another “it” !! it has been 1,000 personal lessons “stacked in a trench coat”, and it’s meant that whoever takes my former role will get a similar experience… unless they’re particularly unobservant of the wonders of those people… sure I’m employment cuck, fine, only for these specific people, maybe I just got rly lucky in my perception of things idk but yeah being silly and nostalgic over here don’t mind me it was stressful but also lovely in ways I’d never experienced prior :,3 I’m very happy that they’re no longer operating out of that rickety old place plagued with black mold 💀they said they were gonna get rid of it “soon” for the entire almost-year that I worked there…

march 4th 2025: some spaces emphasize “art style” a lot… I.e. branding. one drop of wisdom i have is that the stylization of a piece is largely up to your mental resources in terms of how much you can focus- one step further which focal details you choose to refine. when you speak of “style” are we speaking to the habits of an artist across their career, or the nuances in a specific piece? it’s abnormal for people without training to pump out consistent work, especially if you don’t use your medium every day. and while we do have some freedom to refine pieces as we see fit there might be opportunities for change which we don’t notice or simply opt out of. I’d emphasize that unless it is your job, it’s really not important to create consistent “finished products” at all, and they needn’t be consistent with your initial thought in order to be good work, just in order to fit into your theoretical niche of capital. you may feel stuck when a detail “goes wrong” but there are limitless images or sounds that could be built from the same idea, it’s just a matter of taking time and challenging the perameters

march 4th 2025: It’s taken me a while to pay full attention to how lovely it is to be post-op, because life has been batshit since the very week of surgery! what a wild time to recieve some of the news that I did, and it just kept unfolding. but that’s not the point of the post… double-mastectomy, in theory… I had a fair amount of extra skin between breasts, so they used one long incision instead of two, connected at the middle. the recovery period for nerve reconnection was about 10 months. granted I didn’t keep up with my scar massage on a daily basis, so it might be my fault… and I’ve hardly been touching my chest even since getting the compression vest off; the sensitivity or lack thereof would freak me out a little. my nips were numb for a few months, then became PAINFULLY sensitive for a couple more... grafts are wild. thankfully they’re back to normal, and at no point did I experience discomfort or pain on the chest wall. taking the time to get to know my body again thru nonsexual touch now that it’s fully healed, like literally just hand on chest, is incredible. I feel alive again, in a certain way. Makes sense because my nerves did in fact get severed but thanks to our beautiful medical advancements they grew back alright and I feel more at peace than ever. I’ve slept with top clothing in recent months... cold… Unless I’m with Max and in those cases I’m more focused on togetherness than looking at my own body. I went shirtless last night- normally I bolt out of bed and proceed with the day, but I’ve been tempted to sleep in, and as I lay there just to stall, I looked down at my body and a sense of surreality came with it. I look at myself in the mirror before or after a shower, and I like what I see. i feel a difference between looking in a mirror or at a photo and experiencing my body from my daily perspective, eyeballs looking down.

feb 2nd 2025: I miss casual hobby practice! I have got to let myself relax, fully, more often; creative projects are still a form of labour. creativity was a habit that just couldn't be kicked. I have particularly fond memories of in junior high, when I’d come home and sit in bed, spending hours making cosplay pieces and listening to stuff on the computer til I Had to sleep among the materials because I had school in a couple hours… or I’d put hours into painting a plastic bottle to use as a makeshift carcinogen I mean bong, get up in the morning and do my makeup and still proceed to make comics and poetry all day instead of focusing in class. my life got even more chaotic because I moved into a different housing situation with more people in much closer quarters so I started to try and organize my creative time- literally, scheduling shit down to the details of the project.. which is helpful in ways, I’m pro conscious time management for sure.. but there’s a line, when I started thinking of everything as “A PROJECT”, art felt much more important and heavy than it rly was and it ironically worsened the outcome of my work. over time I started to feel like making stuff was a weird unpaid job, not a hobby... instead of just letting it happen, usually in order to relax from responsibilities, it became another thing “which I didn’t manage to do”. a desk is handy for some stuff but I NOTICE the different environment… I love doing stuff in bed lol. or just on the floor even….Some things, such as sewing garments, are just easier imo when sitting on a soft surface, not hunched in a chair over a wooden platform in a corner.. Although I can’t help noticing that my sleep (total hours, ease of falling asleep, ability to get up early etc) seemed to show positive change when it was just that, a bed to sleep in, not “also my main artistic space”... We Woke up to several inches of snow. Our city hasn’t gotten any this winter so it was a shock.. a pleasant surprise- I used to live in a very snowy city, learned to enjoy the freezing cold and then moved somewhere SO warm and so damp that it doesn’t rly matter… I miss the snow often. Ice is sort of horrifying but I miss the SNOW and grey skies and the dry cold.. so.. I’m gonna go for another walk later (just briefly went around the block)… but until then, we’re doing jacket stuff \o/ IN BED BABY. any patches i’m making are small enough to just use the back of a sketchbook for a solid surface & paint-over-edge allowance below the fabric. im also gonna draft and send some emails throughout the afternoon cuz im “investing in my future instead of letting myself rot in my dad’s place forever…”, thing is we’ve been taking work and life in general way too seriously; I draw a line because my usual creativity is just Not Happening, and when it does occur it just feels Bad. I feel like I’m not supposed to do stuff I enjoy like ever anymore because I’m an Adult.. and yeah I’m age of majority or whatever but no girl just because I’ve been employed and will be again doesn’t mean that fun is dead. overall i’ve just been feeling stagnant yet scared for a good while and I’m finally breaking out of that so.. fuck yeah killing the cycle… 🔁stress worsened cuz im not engaging with my lifelong hobbies 🔁 not enjoying my hobbies cuz of stress 🔁 the problem with my “inertia” is that I’m programmed to feel bad for several months once it starts to die out. but that’s because we wanna fight to keep it moving…. it started to dwindle because we COULDNT fight anymore and like. I know it’s okay to rest I just think I just have this gut fear that I won’t be able to get it going again umm just lucky to be in the phase I’m in rn I guess… moving from depression into some progression I feel like an inspirational poster in a cartoon councillor’s office.. but it’s less frustrating when the corniness of wellbeing comes truly from inside

jan 15 2025: made some food; nothing could ever beat the pairing of lasagna & red wine. If I get rich it’s all going to others AFTER I buy a week’s worth of lasagna supplies and red wine.